SIDISIN / DAGNINO
EXT. LAURENCE HARBOR, NJ - DAY
BANGED UP BUNGALOWS built right on top of each other, CASHED OUT CLUNKERS rest on CINDER BLOCKS and BUSTED BOATS line the block.
EXT. UPGRADE HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
LEFTY (28), and MAERD (28), kick back in PLUSH LAWN CHAIRS drinking VODKA LEMONADES and smoking WEED. Their T-SHIRTS read: “Idiot Savant” and “Oxymoron” respectively.
LEFTY What’s your biggest regret in life?
MAERD Easy, being friends with you.
LEFTY Yeah, right! That should be my biggest regret.
MAERD I’m not sure. That’s a tough question.
Maerd sips his drink and thinks way back.
MAERD (CONT’D) Hmm. I guess letting my second cousin dress me up like a girl and take photos of me when I was younger.
Lefty SPITS his drink out!
LEFTY What?! You never told me that.
MAERD Seemed like a fun idea at the time. It wasn’t.
LEFTY Did he try any funny stuff or anything?
MAERD Nah, nah. Nothing like that.
LEFTY I’d keep that under my hat if I were you.
MAERD Well, you did ask me my biggest regret and that’s it. What’s yours?
LEFTY You know when you’re in elementary school and you haven’t really started to control “hard-on play” just yet?
LEFTY Well, one day I was staring at Cheryl Frost.
MAERD Didn’t you date her? I mean, rape her?
LEFTY Other way around, she raped me.
Lefty puts his head in his hands.
LEFTY (CONT’D) Anyway, Miss Moreno called me to the board and I couldn’t go up...I didn’t go up, man.
MAERD Wait, so you had a hard-on and refused to go up to the black board?
MAERD And that’s your biggest regret in life?
LEFTY Yeah. Cause now that I think about it, why not go up?
MAERD Right. Embellish your stuff early. Set the tone.
LEFTY You think teachers know that kinda stuff?
MAERD Yeah, they probably see you staring into oblivion and figure as much.
LEFTY Miss Moreno was looking to nail me to the cross any chance she got.
MAERD She’s a slut. She probably would have loved to see what you were working with.
In the distance they spot the mailman SKIP a/k/a “Double Down” (30’s), fat, greasy, man-child.
MAERD (CONT'D) This dude’s cholesterol is through the roof.
LEFTY Off the charts. I bet his Triglyceride level’s nothing to shake a stick at either.
MAERD Dude bleeds Strawberry Quik.
Double Down makes his way over. He’s weezing heavy.
LEFTY Dead man walking.
He gets there eating a KFC DOUBLE DOWN while polishing off a TWO LITER BOTTLE of MOUNTAIN DEW.
DOUBLE DOWN What’s up, “Booze Brothers”?
MAERD Double Down!
LEFTY You been working out, man?
DOUBLE DOWN Nah.
LEFTY Could’ve fooled us.
DOUBLE DOWN Really?
DOUBLE DOWN At least I got a real job. Working for the government rather than stealing from it.
MAERD I only take what’s rightfully mine!
LEFTY It’s more important to control events not to be controlled by them.
DOUBLE DOWN Whatever floats your boats you delusional motherfuckers.
LEFTY Didn’t you murder your grandmother or something?
DOUBLE DOWN Self defense. It was proven in court!
MAERD Kangaroo court!
Double Down hands Lefty the MAIL, it’s dripping with GREASE.
LEFTY Thanks, man. What’s up? You holding back on the grease today?
Disgusted, Lefty wipes it off.
DOUBLE DOWN Funny.
MAERD Hope to see ya tomorrow...if you’re not dead.
LEFTY Yeah, try not to explode.
DOUBLE DOWN What’s that supposed to mean?
MAERD Marty from up the block spontaneously combusted the other day. You should check it out.
Double Down flounders off in a hurry. Lefty opens the ELECTRIC BILL and it’s a whopping FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS!
LEFTY Holy fucking same haircut!?
MAERD Credit card bill?
LEFTY Yeah, cause I have one of those. Worse.
MAERD Census participation?
LEFTY Worse. It’s the electric bill and it’s 500 bucks!
MAERD That’s a lot.
LEFTY No shit that’s a lot. I ain’t got that kinda cash.
Maerd kicks back in his chair.
MAERD Don’t look at me, Yom Kippur. I didn’t ask for this house.
LEFTY You weren’t complaining when we won it!
We PUSH BACK to reveal that Lefty and Maerd are sitting in front of the UPGRADE HOUSE. It's 10X the size of the neighbors’, ERECTED straight up like a PENIS. What the fuck?!
LEFTY (CONT'D) We need to do something.
Lefty checks out his own BICEP. Maerd rolls his eyes.
LEFTY (CONT'D) Think the electric company will take sexual favors as pay?
MAERD What, like an electric company chick pulls up and says “hey guys, your bill’s a ton of cash and way overdue maybe we could figure something else out, like say, you pounding the piss out of me till I scream uncle”?
LEFTY Yeah, exactly! Something like that would be amazing.
Maerd shakes his head.
MAERD Wake up you dunce cap! That kinda stuff only happens in third world countries and Tarantino flicks.
Maerd’s wheels start to spin.
MAERD (CONT'D) What about a party to raise money?
LEFTY Open this place up to all the yahoos in town? I don’t think so.
Maerd’s up now, stalking about.
MAERD Foolproof. Look, bill gets paid -- we get the red carpet treatment.
LEFTY Screw it, You’re right. I’m in!
MAERD Yeah, it’s a can’t miss. I’ll even clean up a bit.
LEFTY Well, you definitely have the time to! Wait a minute, what day is it?
MAERD Beats me.
LEFTY I think it’s Friday. Fuck, I’m gonna be late for work!
Lefty does PUSH UPS and WIND SPRINTS across the lawn to sober up. Maerd tosses him a set of KEYS.
MAERD Remember, “DUI Logistics”...stick to the main streets and drive really fast!
Lefty looks in the DIRTY MIRROR, buttons up his SHIRT then throws on his APRON for the finishing touches.
LEFTY This looks great.
INT. WENDY’S - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
The MANAGER (40’s), comes strolling over barking out orders.
MANAGER Your breath smells like whisky.
LEFTY What’s it supposed to smell like?
MANAGER You plan on paying me back the money you borrowed?
LEFTY I don’t talk money on Monday’s.
MANAGER It’s Friday!
LEFTY Keep talking, I’m not listening!
MANAGER Yeah, whatever. Hit the drive-thru. * I’m taking five.
LEFTY That what you’re calling a crack smoking break nowadays?
MANAGER Watch it.
LEFTY Relax, tough guy.
INT. WENDY’S DRIVE-THRU - MOMENTS LATER
In pulls our first customer HEIDI (23), hot with a big appetite and small brain. Inspired, Lefty readies his HEAD GEAR.
LEFTY Welcome to Wendy’s. Can I fuck you?
HEIDI Excuse me? Ah, yeah. Can I get seven cheeseburgers.
LEFTY That’s a lot of cheeseburgers. What’s your name?
HEIDI Heidi and I’m not done.
HEIDI Also, two large fries and a frosty.
LEFTY Cool. Twenty bucks.
He WINKS to RENE’E (30’s), short, Mexican, gang affiliations, on the grill.
HEIDI I was here yesterday and it was seventeen ninety five.
Lefty fake punches in numbers on the CASH REGISTER.
LEFTY Oh, you’re right. My mistake. Seventeen ninety five. Please drive up.
The chick pulls up and hands Lefty SEVENTEEN NINETY FIVE exactly. He looks around and POCKETS the cash.
LEFTY (CONT'D) So, you were saying you were a sex slave?
HEIDI (hesitant) What? No I wasn’t!
LEFTY You sure about that?
HEIDI I’m pretty positive.
LEFTY I’m sure you’ve been one before. You’re pretty square if you weren’t at one point in time.
HEIDI What makes you think I’m a sex slave?
LEFTY The average age for a sex slave in America is sixteen. It’s actually pretty fashionable now.
HEIDI What are you some kinda new wave hipster?
LEFTY Does it look like I wear cut off finger gloves, possess 2% body fat and hit up art house theaters?
She’s warming up.
LEFTY Well, okay then. Listen, I’m throwing a little shindig later at my house. You should swing by.
HEIDI I don’t know... Are you cool?
LEFTY Cool with what, drugs, liquor and borderline underage sex?
HEIDI Yeah. You seem cool.
LEFTY Let me tell you something about being cool. You just don’t find cool. Cool is unteachable. Either you pop out of your Mom’s vagina cool or you don’t. Check this out...doctor who delivered me-
LEFTY Retired after I was born.
HEIDI Really? I’ll come to any party you’re throwing then.
LEFTY Cool. Bring all your skank friends. It’s a pay for play party so bring some cash. I live in that upgraded house off Cleveland Ave.
HEIDI Wow. That’s yours?! I heard about that on TV. Is there a party theme?
LEFTY Is there a party theme...
Biding time, Lefty looks out the window and sees a HOMELESS GUY (50’s), digging in the DUMPSTER. He’s got a TOP NOTCH RED LEATHER JACKET on. It’s EXTRA SMALL and his ASS CRACK is fully out. He’s sporting a TRAMP STAMP but not just any tramp stamp.
INSERT TRAMP STAMP: The word: “Dessert” with an arrow pointing down!
LEFTY (CONT'D) Of course there’s a party theme. It’s called: “Two Sizes Too Small”.
LEFTY Two Sizes Too Small. So if you’re a size 4 and have D-Cup breasts, which you look like you do, wear a size 2 and a B-Cup bra.
HEIDI What if I wear no bra?
LEFTY Then I’ll wear no underwear.
She SPEEDS off. On cue, Rene’e enters frame.
RENE’E That’s some lingo, gringo!
Lefty puts the NINETY FIVE CENTS of the seventeen ninety five on top of the STORAGE CABINET. Rene’e tries to grab it but he’s too short.
RENE’E (CONT'D) I hate it when you do that. Just get it for me!
Rene’e keeps JUMPING up and down. Lefty laughs.
LEFTY Alright, alright, chill out.
Lefty hands Rene’e the chump change.
RENE’E That’s it?
LEFTY Yeah. I’ve already told you a million times, there’s way more risk involved on my part. Now how we looking on those hundred cheeseburgers I need for later?
RENE’E That’s a lot of cheeseburgers.
LEFTY Can you do it or not?
RENE’E Am I invited to the party!?
LEFTY Okay, you can come. But only you! I can’t have your crew shooting up the place again.
RENE’E You’re never going to let me live that down. That was a big misunderstanding.
LEFTY Either way, it’s bad business.
RENE’E Okay, just me. Is there gonna be any chon chon there?
LEFTY I’ll pretend you didn’t ask that question... So we good on the burgers or what?
RENE’E I’ll even throw extra sauce and pickles on them suckers, mang!
LEFTY My mang!
Rene’e looks happy.
LEFTY (CONT’D) And Rene’e...
LEFTY Lose the hairnet.
EXT. UPGRADE HOUSE - BACKYARD
The SUN is blinding. It’s reflecting off the IN-GROUND SWIMMING POOL. It’s MOSS GREEN with a TURTLE swimming in it. Maerd’s minding his own business, MOWING the lawn and talking to himself.
MAERD Okay, kick the cigarettes today. If you’re gonna do something go back to dipping tobacco...promote the party then watch “Kindergarten Cop”... or go to the bookstore. Remember, don’t smoke and if you’re out, order an omelet.
Then he finds a HALF BOTTLE of LIQUOR wedged in the FENCE.
MAERD (CONT’D) Should I drink this?
He looks around then starts to rationalize with himself. He smells it.
MAERD (CONT’D) Smells legit. Then sure why not, right?
He’s about to go for it.
MAERD (CONT'D) Wait. Somebody maybe trying to poison us! They see this house we won and say let’s off these guys...ya never know. Jealously’s a bitch.
Maerd looks around again to be sure. He’s pretty thirsty.
MAERD (CONT'D) You’re crazy. No one’s gonna poison someone and not stick around to see the fruits of their labor. That’slike slipping a girl a mickey then immediately leaving the club and letting somebody else fuck her...makes zero sense.
Maerd points to his own head.
MAERD (CONT'D) That’s some forward thinking, man. You’re all frontal lobe.
Down the hatch!
ACT ONE BREAK
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Lefty BURSTS through the front door wearing the bum’s RED LEATHER JACKET with the COLLARS straight up.
LEFTY Count Cokeula is in, let the fun begin!
Maerd makes an appearance from around the corner donning a “Sorry Boys” T-SHIRT with a pair of SKINTIGHT TRACK PANTS. There are indentations of a WALLET, KEYS and if a chick walks by or the wind blows, a COCK sighting.
MAERD Sweet jacket!
LEFTY You like it? I copped it off some waste of life. No way a guy like that deserves a jacket like this.
Maerd’s tidying up a bit, dumping POVOV VODKA in GREY GOOSE bottles, readying UNISEX BATHROOM SIGNS ect...
MAERD I was just thinking, If I get rich, I’m never retiring.
LEFTY But you don’t even work now.
MAERD Doesn’t make a difference.
LEFTY You get the word out or are we going to be siting here with our thumbs up our asses?
MAERD Already hit the Go-Go Ramma, Harbor Liquors, Hoffman Pharmacy...
Lefty cuts him off.
LEFTY Hold up. Tell me you didn’t invite any of those fantasy clowns from Gamblers, Alcohol and Sex Anonymous? Please tell me you didn’t do that?
MAERD Stupid question number one! You think I want people who think they have a problem at a party we’re throwing?! Get with the program, protégé.
LEFTY (sarcastic) Undercover “Twelve Stepper”.
Lefty DUMPS his pockets on the counter. DRUG PARAPHERNALIA personified!
MAERD Yeah, you got me.
Maerd picks through the stimulant smorgasbord, stashing a few goodies for later.
MAERD (CONT'D) Anyway, I hit Lisa’s pizza and the Post Office. Got the other side of the tracks covered as well.
Lefty’s upset that Maerd has left off the Crème de la Crème.
LEFTY Wait wait wait. What about the high school?
MAERD Stupid question number two!
Maerd moves to the FULL LENGTH MIRROR. We see the front of his shirt -- refresher course: “Sorry Boys” then he turns around. Back of his shirt says: “I EAT PUSSY”! A Classic. He readies some HAIR GEL.
LEFTY What are you doing that for? I say dumb yourself down.
LEFTY If you dumb your look down, you automatically up your intrigue, and intrigue trumps looks any day.
MAERD How you figure?
LEFTY Girls see good looking guys all done up and assume they’re dumb, gay or both.
Maerd rifles the gel in the TRASH!
LEFTY (CONT'D) You’ll thank me later.
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - STARTING TIME
There’s 25 GUESTS -- chicks and dudes. They’re making CALLS and TEXTING all over the place. Word’s spreading around town like hot butter on a biscuit. It’s got potential. The boys are excited.
MAERD Hide your purses, unlock your chastity belts and make sure a fire extinguisher’s on hand, cause we my friend, have a party brewing!
LEFTY I know, I just hooked up with “Dawn the Destroyer” in the closet a second ago.
MAERD Let me ask you something.
MAERD You eat her ass?
MAERD Then you didn’t hook up with her!
Lefty’s smile deflates.
LEFTY Hey, you invited Freddy Charmelo, right?
MAERD No way! Guy’s been smoking too much.
LEFTY Coke, crack?
Maerd makes a BLOWJOB gesture.
That guys been under suspicion for
years. Dude, I invited this smoking
hot chick. I hope she shoots
INT. HEIDI’S CAR - UNDER A LAMP POST - NIGHT
I don’t know? He was just so
relevant. He bamboozled me with his
charm, heavy dialogue and circular
logic. It was crazy, like the more
I kept not knowing what he was
saying the more I wanted to sleep
We pan to the PASSENGER SEAT but it’s too dark to make out who’s sitting there.
DARK SHADOW Yeah, well...
Heidi looks over terrified.
Can I maybe get a free pass
tonight? Just for once, pretty
DARK SHADOW Remember what happened last time you asked me that?
HEIDI Yeah, I almost died.
DARK SHADOW This time there will be no “almost”. I’ll turn your lights out for good!
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - BATTLE OF MIDWAY
Now there’s 50 GUESTS. It’s officially an event! People are taking PICTURES, SCUMBAGS are trying to STEAL shit. Lefty scans the room, running money figures in his head.
LEFTY Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, look at those milk bombs... hundred!
He locates a proud Maerd behind the BAR.
MAERD Got prostitutes popping pills pool side, partner.
Lefty SALUTES him.
LEFTY Got skeezers sniffing snow in the shower, sir.
Maerd pours them both a SHOT.
MAERD And for later...side bitches bumping barbiturates in the basement, buddy.
LEFTY Party’s officially cooking. How’s the color green looking?
Maerd folds up a KNOT of CASH, secures it with his PERSONALIZED MONEY CLIP and slips it into his back pocket.
MAERD Electric bill and then some!
Lefty looks at Maerd DEAD SERIOUS.
LEFTY Copperfield the cash!
Lefty shows Maerd what he looks like in the MIRROR. They’re both WACKED OUT, STONED and DRUNK off their rocker.
LEFTY Ditch the escrow, bro. Hide it. Protect yourself from yourself.
MAERD You’re right. I got the perfect spot.
Maerd JETS out!
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - DEN - CONTINUOUS Maerd’s WAY TIPSY. He stashes the cash in a POTTED PLANT. MAERD Perfect. He debates then looks at the plant and removes the money. MAERD (CONT’D) Not good enough.
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Maerd’s in the CABINET. He dumps the money in a COFFEE CONTAINER then tucks it back deep into the shelf. MAERD Nobody will look in there. He walks out...then walks back in and removes the money. MAERD (CONT’D) Too easy.
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Maerd DUCT TAPES the cash behind the TOILET.
He leaves then comes back, removing the money yet again.
MAERD (CONT’D) Shit. I can’t find a good spot.
MAERD (CONT’D) Wait a minute. I got it!
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Maerd moves stealthily through all the PAYING PATRONS towards the CD RACK. He thumbs through the CLASSICS, pulls out El DeBarge “Rhythm of the Night” and hides the money in there.
MAERD Now that’s what I’m talking about!
ACT TWO BREAK
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - PRIME TIME
There’s 100 GUESTS swarming! A Goliath gathering of global proportions. Lefty and Maerd sidebar, scanning through the scantily clad chick conglomerate.
LEFTY I’m going to start straight up asking girls for sex. I mean, straight up blatantly asking them flat out: “Will you have sex with me”? Plain and simple.
MAERD Just like that?
LEFTY Just like that!
MAERD I did that with “Crazy Cara” once.
LEFTY I thought you said she slapped you and called you a dip shit loser.
MAERD No. Cara said “I thought you liked the Santiago Twins”, that’s when I knew I had her.
LEFTY So, what you’re saying is, if a girl does anything but slap you and call you a dip shit loser, you’re pumping cheek?
MAERD That’s exactly what I’m saying!
Meanwhile, the chick from the drive-thru, Heidi, makes an appearance. She’s dressed in SUPER TIGHT clothes and she’s with a FRIEND (30), really overweight with plausible facial features and LEOPARD PANTS.
LEFTY There she is.
MAERD Wow, she’s hot! Who’s the heffer?
LEFTY Beats me.
MAERD A big fat chick with A-cup breasts. A rare and disturbing sight. It’s like pancakes without the syrup. A zebra without its stripes...
LEFTY Peanut butter without the jelly...
MAERD I wouldn’t fuck her with Chaz Bono’s dick. Later.
LEFTY I was wondering if you were going to grace me with your presence. Please, grab a drink.
HEIDI Yeah...I’m sober now.
LEFTY Yeah...that’s too bad. Your hotness just went down by a country mile. No offense.
HEIDI I’m just kidding. Sober people are the worst!
Lefty laughs. Thank god.
LEFTY I play people chess with those clowns.
HEIDI People chess?
LEFTY Yeah, people chess. It’s like sit back, shut up and watch the popular kids maneuver the pieces.
HEIDI I’m sorry. This is my friend “Flatso”.
FLATSO Yeah, Flatso!
LEFTY That doesn’t offend you?
FLATSO No. I’m fat with no breasts but my confidence is through the roof. It evens itself out.
LEFTY That’s what’s most important.
Flatso NUDGES Heidi.
HEIDI She does anything I do. If you know what I mean...
FLATSO And better! Is there any mayonnaise at this party?
LEFTY I apologize. I’m usually way ahead of the game on new terminology but what’s “mayonnaise” code for?
FLATSO Nothing. I just need mayonnaise!
Lefty points into the KITCHEN.
LEFTY You know that it’s one molecule away from being plastic, right?
FLATSO Does it look like I give a shit?
Flatso STOMPS off. They watch.
HEIDI ...she got dealt a really bad hand from the chin down. She’s pretty in the face though.
Lefty goes for it.
LEFTY Wanna have sex with me?
Lefty braces for the jaw breaking slap.
HEIDI I don’t even know you yet.
Lefty slowly opens his eyes. Jackpot!
LEFTY Okay, let’s get to know each other then.
HEIDI Are you ever bad at anything in your dreams?
LEFTY Nope! No way. I hit home runs, bang multiple chicks, do big drugs, meet cool people, all the Et ceteras...
HEIDI That’s great.
LEFTY That’s why I’m always sleeping. My problems are what goes on in real life.
HEIDI I keep having these dreams that my toupee falls off.
LEFTY That’s not great. Wait. You wear a toupee?
HEIDI No. Let me finish.
LEFTY Okay, go on.
HEIDI They usually start off good. I meet a guy, we have a couple of drinks, we go to a hot tub...
LEFTY We have a hot tub.
HEIDI ...He runs his fingers threw my hair then my toupee comes unglued and falls off. I freak out and wake up from his screams, screaming!
LEFTY That sucks. I had one the other day. I asked some guy where he was going cause he seemed real excited to tell somebody, and you know what that cock said?
HEIDI No. What’d he say?
LEFTY He said he had tickets for us to go see “Phantom of the Opera” on Broadway.
HEIDI That doesn’t sound great.
LEFTY Let me finish.
HEIDI Okay, go on.
LEFTY I knocked him out cold and booted him in the rib cage...unmercifully.
HEIDI That’s a good dream. Wanna head to your room now?
EXT. UPGRADE STREET - CONTINUOUS
A beat up DELORIAN with the ACE OF SPADES spray painted down the BACK WINDOW comes FLYING down the block BUMPING Eddie Money$ “Shakin”.
PARTY-GOERS DIVE out of the way as it comes to a SCREECHING halt on the FRONT LAWN! Rene’e gets out drinking a BEER, holding a sack of BURGERS and wearing THROWBACK SEVENTIES THREADS that are tighter then a virgin’s anal cavity.
RENE’E (Re: his own car) Great car.
He takes a LITTLE BLADE out of his pocket and SLICES his shirt down the middle revealing a PIERCED NIPPLE.
RENE’E (CONT’D) Pepperoni.
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Rene’e GLIDES through strutting his stuff, distributing PATTIES. He immediately zeros in on the SANTIAGO TWINS (18ish), Puerto Rican floozies, who are DANCING with Maerd. He strolls over. James Brown “Living in America” is playing. Maerd sings along. Rene’e tries to butt in.
RENE’E Shake what your momma gave ya...
MAERD What’s up, shorty?
Maerd repositions himself, freezing Rene’e out of the mix.
RENE’E Screw you, mang!
MAERD Wanna hear a joke?
MAERD Did you hear about that one Mexican who went to college?
MAERD Yeah, neither did I. Now beat it!
RENE’E Oh, you wanna go there? How did the white boy come out of the grocery store with a six pack?
MAERD I don’t care.
RENE’E He walked in and paid for it, chew on that!
Maerd looks baffled then a really BAD SONG comes on.
MAERD Hey, poppy, make yourself useful and switch this song up.
Rene’e storms off, mumbling under his breath.
RENE’E What goes around comes around, mang. Hoarding all the chon chon...
Rene’e approaches the BOOMING SYSTEM...
RENE’E (CONT'D) We need some Latin flavor in here. Time to turn this party upside down.
He pushes the WRONG BUTTON and the music SHUTS OFF! Everybody STOPS, STARES and CURSES him out.
RENE’E (CONT’D) Relax, everybody.
RANDOM CHICK Turn the music back on you fucking career criminal!
RENE’E Fuck you, cracker! Keep on walking the straight and narrow and see how far that gets ya.
RANDOM CHICK Spear chucker!
RENE’E At least get your race insults right, Snow White.
Rene’e reaches into the CD CASE, quickly thumbs through a couple of JUNK CD’s then comes across El DeBarge “Rhythm of the Night”.
RENE’E (CONT’D) This should get the party jumping.
He opens the CD and the MONEY pops out. PAY DIRT!
RENE’E (CONT’D) Holy shit!
He looks around and JOCKS the cash. “Rhythm of the Night” starts to BANG LOUD!
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - DANCE FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER
The Santiago Twins are really digging the groove. They’re SANDWICHING Maerd, giggling. Not realizing what song it is, Maerd pops a few QUAALUDES and downs a whole LITER OF WATER in one shot.
MAERD A liter for a leader!
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 Wow!
MAERD You girls know creative people invented painkillers to keep other creative people down, right?
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 No. We didn’t. That’s so insightful.
MAERD Well, this isn’t my first rodeo, sweety pies.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 So glad you’re not one of those guys with gel in their hair.
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 It makes you so much more...intriguing.
MAERD I don’t even own hair gel. I don’t even wash my hair for that matter. Maybe in the ocean every once and awhile.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 That’s so cool. Who are you, really?
MAERD I’m your favorite shady person’s, favorite shady person! That’s who.
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 We’re pretty shady too.
MAERD Oh, right on.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 Is it okay if we’re both dancing with you?
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 Yeah, is it okay?
MAERD Not sure yet. You girls eighteen?
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 Not yet.
MAERD Then it’s okay.
INT. LEFTY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
It’s PITCH BLACK.
HEIDI Can we turn on the lights?
LEFTY There’s nobody else in here if that’s what you think.
HEIDI That’s what you think!
Lefty turns the lights on and Flatso is standing there.
LEFTY Uhh really...
HEIDI I told you she does anything I do.
FLATSO And better!
Lefty’s FREAKO-METER blazes pass MISUNDERSTOOD YOUTH cruises right by EXPERIMENTING TWENTY-SOMETHINGS and is now pinned on FULL BLOWN LIBERATED SEX FIEND EXTRAORDINAIRES!
HEIDI You have to have sex with Flatso first and I have to watch. If Flatso feels like letting me join in I will.
LEFTY What’s she your fucking mom or something?
Heidi looks to Flatso with a sweet smile.
HEIDI No guarantee?
FLATSO Nothing in life is guaranteed.
Lefty debates, it’s a rough one.
LEFTY Look over there. It’s Scott Baio!
They look and he heads for the hills.
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
It’s an ELEVATOR alright, but it’s BUSTED BACKWARDS and hasn’t moved since they won it. Maerd’s dangerously close to making it happen with the Twins. He making out with one while the other one is watching.
MAERD Who wants to play the “Take All Your Clothes Off” game?
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 I do. I do.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 You’re such a skank...and I lovvvvve it.
Maerd is having trouble with his shirt cause it’s SO TIGHT. It gets STUCK over his HEAD and he can’t see anything. The Twins are looking at him like, what a idiot?! The elevator doors swing OPEN and Rene’e is there FLASHING the money he found. He lures them over with it...
MAERD (stuck) What the fuck!?
RENE’E How much you charging?
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 All of it!
RENE’E That’s steep. What can you ladies do for me?
SANTIAGO TWIN 2 Show ‘em Tracy.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 Gladly.
Tracy pulls out a CHERRY TWIZZLER and DEEP THROATS it! Rene’e watches in amazement. His eyes LIGHT UP like a couple of skinheads gearing up for a hate crime.
EXT. UPGRADE HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - MOMENTS LATER
The Twins follow Rene’e into his DeLorean.
SANTIAGO TWIN 1 Yeah, you got the money and all...but how do we know you can “deliver”?
Rene’e BITES into a BEER CAN. It SPRAYS everywhere! They’re super excited.
RENE’E Cause my mouth don’t write checks that my cock can’t cash.
He FLOORS it!
INT. UPGRADE HOUSE - LATER
The majority of FREELOADERS have taken off to get laid while the STRAGGLERS search for parlayable angles. The house which was a pigsty before, looks like a LANDFILL now! Lefty and Maerd reconvene at ground zero.
MAERD Your buddy, the Spaniard, stole my chicks!
LEFTY Who, Rene’e? If that guy stole your chicks you got problems.
MAERD He must have bribed them with something...oh, shit!
Maerd runs over to the STEREO and grabs the El DeBarge CD. It’s EMPTY!
LEFTY I couldn’t seal the deal either. Well, I could of but...at least we got the cash to keep the lights on.
MAERD Not necessarily.
The money’s gone. Lefty sees it in Maerd’s face.
LEFTY Wait a cotton picking minute. Tell me you didn’t put the cash in the CD case. Please tell me you didn’t do that!
MAERD How was I supposed to know that somebody would play this!?
LEFTY It’s a party. That’s what people do. They play music. You couldn’t have put it in the plant or the coffee jar or duct taped it behind the toilet? I mean, really? A fucking CD case?!
EXT. UPGRADE HOUSE - AFTERMATH - CRACK OF DAWN
The place is WRECKED silly! Lefty and Maerd kick back in PLUSH LAWN CHAIRS drinking VODKA LEMONADES and smoking WEED.
MAERD Guys like me and you strike oil under a garden and all we get is dead tomatoes.
LEFTY It’ll all figure itself out in the end.
Maerd buries his head in his hands.
MAERD Code red stupid on my part. When the chips are down, look who’s the biggest asshole in town!
LEFTY On a positive note, my moose knuckle game was on point last night.
An ELECTRIC COMPANY TRUCK comes barreling down the block. It’s blowing Phil Collins & Philip Bailey “Easy Lover” out the window.
LEFTY (CONT'D) Judgement Day.
MAERD Ever see the video to this song?
LEFTY One-piece blue leathers, helicopters....
The guys wait in anticipation as the WORKER pulls up to the house, turns down the RADIO, shuts off the ENGINE and exits the vehicle.
MAERD Yeah, I don’t think Phil Collins & Philip Bailey video knowledge is gonna bail us out of this one.
Then we see a BIG SHADOW cast over Lefty. It’s FLATSO! She works for the electric company.
FLATSO You left like a bat out of hell last night.
LEFTY ...I got abducted by aliens.
FLATSO And they brought you back?
LEFTY Yeah, they didn’t want a guy like me up there...they claimed I was over opinionated and would ultimately organize a coup d'état.
MAERD Aliens aren’t stupid. They’re lightning fast at sniffing stuff out like that, especially a hostile takeover.
FLATSO Well, you missed out. Heidi had to service me...and I’m a squirter...so I’d wash your sheets if I were you.
The guys GRIT their TEETH. She whips out the BILL.
FLATSO (CONT’D) Looky here. Five hundred four dollars and some odd cents. Pretty huge bill for two studs like yourselves. Since I know you’re short on money maybe we could figure something else out...like say, one of you pounding the piss out of me till I scream “uncle”?
She puts her HAND down the back of her pants and JAMS a FINGER in her ASS. Lefty looks at Maerd.
LEFTY It’s all you, El DeBarge.
Maerd runs his hand through his FLOWING HAIR. He knows what he has to do.
MAERD Well, what can I say? Interesting people do interesting things.
He GETS up from the chair, first GRABS his drink then GRABS Flatso by the arm and escorts her towards the house.